Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
