are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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