It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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