Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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