If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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