I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
