You were right. It hurts to walk today.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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