There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
