it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
