How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
