the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
