He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They took my balls.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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