yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
