It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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