Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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