Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
