Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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