It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
