i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
