This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
