i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
