the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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