I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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