My friends, they love my intelligence
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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