god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
