Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
