I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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