sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
