I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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