Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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