Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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