Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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