I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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