Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
