please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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