I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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