I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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