I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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