By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she peed on how many people?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
