I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
