I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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