You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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