i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
