i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
