I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
