alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
