she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
