you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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