Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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