why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize