By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
