just tell him i said nine months
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
