its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
