This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
