oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
