a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
