Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
